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Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0 – Pummeled! (The Funny Side)

09 May

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Chelsea 6 (Etoó 5, Schurrle 7, Hazard 17 (pen), Oscar 42, 66, Salah 71) – Arsenal 0

Man of the Match – Oscar (Chelsea)

Honestly speaking, I don’t know where to start off with on this match report. It’s been 48 days since Arsenal got pummeled aside by Chelsea like a bunch of drunken sods.

After all the Mourinho-Wenger cross talks, there was only a formal hand shake, as both managers refused to look each other in the eye. Santi Cazorla threaded a pass through to Olivier Giroud, whose shot was easily saved by Petr Cech, when the Frenchman probably should have put more power and conviction in the effort.

That is where Arsenal’s disastrous effort started to unravel. Off the counter, Samuel Etoó curled in the opening goal with his left foot. 2 minutes later, it was 2-0. Andre Schurrle scored Chelsea’s second as he curled one in between Koscielny’s legs. Arsenal then gifted Chelsea a penalty when Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain blatantly pushed the ball away with his hands. It was a stupid thing to do. Arsenal got a red card, albeit a wrong one as the referee Andre Mariner sent Kieran Gibbs off, in a moment of mistaken identity.

Belgian international Eden Hazard made no mistake from the spot. There was just no coming back from this. 2-0 down in 17 minutes against a star studded Chelsea side, when you are down to 10 men. Arsenal held on for a while, before Chelsea went into the break with a 4-0 lead, as Oscar scored from a ball by Torres on the right. There were 10 minutes of solidity. That is when Arsenal went into the break.

After the restart, it was a case of Chelsea looking for more goals to boost their goal difference. They did get their 5th in the 66th minute when Oscar scored and substitute Mohamed Sala completed the route beating the offside trap by what was it, miles?

On the sunny side, here’s  positives from the game.

1) At least we didn’t concede 8

Yes, the mauling at Old Trafford is and will always be the worst defeat I have tasted as a fan in living memory. Sides concede 6 goals almost every week, but to concede 8 is like debauchery of the highest order. Watching a Samuel Etoó or a Oscar celebrating a goal is bad, but at least it is better than watching Ashley Young scoring two screamers. That’s the lowest of the ebbs you can drop to watching football.

2) Arsenal don’t need a 3rd choice goalkeeper

Hey, that was a good save by Oxlade-Chamberlain. Yeah, it was stupidity at its peak, and yes, it was batshit crazy. You know what, it was great too. I would have been proud of that save, and I couldn’t be third choice goalie for the worst Sunday League pub team. I think David Seaman would probably be proud too. I can sense a wry smile going on right now on the face of Roy Hodgson.

3) Referee was more embarrassed than Arsenal

Yeah, it’s true. Before you go like “Dude, we got thrashed 6-0!”. Well, go tell that to the referee who can’t distinguish players on the pitch. All this FIFA smosh about quality refereeing, this dude needs some homework. And oh, a snap test on a slot machine, with revolving faces of Walcott, Chamberlain, Gibbs, changing in quick succession, so he can tell the difference. While he is about it, tie him onto a chair, with blades that gore into his skin every time he makes a mistake. Release him only when he has got 100 correct guesses in a row!

4) Hey, Arsene, this could have been the FA Cup Final or something!

Yeah, as a fan who is subject to seeing his team getting kicked about a park like a bunch of one-legged, eye-patched, hands-tied pirates playing football, you somehow try to see the positive side, even though you are stranded in a one-sided dead end of a tunnel with a train hurtling at top speed towards you. This was a momentous occasion for Arsene, but what if this was a Cup Final or something? Now, that would be utterly humiliating and furious Arsenal fans would probably be bulldozing his house to the ground by now. At least, he has a Cup Final to look forward to, while that old cunt Mourinho is probably banging his head onto a burning brick wall till he dies, or better, creating a bump so big, that he ain’t able to sit comfortably in that little dugout at Stamford Bridge without causing John Terry to panic and slip, as he faces a trophyless season.

5) We had a shot on target!

Yeah, it was a beautiful move, as Cazorla beautifully played in Giroud, who galloped, oh, so handsomely between two bewildered defenders, before unleashing a thunderous shot with his wonderfully constructed legs. It ended up in the hands of that plastic head from the Czech Republic, but you can’t blame for a want of trying!

6) Podolski gets some much needed rest!

The German’s been playing non stop for a while now. This was a good match to rest him. He didn’t get the ball once for as far as I remember. A good stroll for our German in the park.

Bonus Positive – First blog post in 48 days. Yeah, and more will be coming soon. Brace yourselves!

Jai Arsenal 🙂

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Go ahead you lazy bum, that’s all I ask of you!

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1 Comment

Posted by on May 9, 2014 in 2013-2014, Match Reviews, No Offence!

 

One response to “Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0 – Pummeled! (The Funny Side)

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