Category Archives: No Offence!

Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0 – Pummeled! (The Funny Side)

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Chelsea 6 (Etoó 5, Schurrle 7, Hazard 17 (pen), Oscar 42, 66, Salah 71) – Arsenal 0

Man of the Match – Oscar (Chelsea)

Honestly speaking, I don’t know where to start off with on this match report. It’s been 48 days since Arsenal got pummeled aside by Chelsea like a bunch of drunken sods.

After all the Mourinho-Wenger cross talks, there was only a formal hand shake, as both managers refused to look each other in the eye. Santi Cazorla threaded a pass through to Olivier Giroud, whose shot was easily saved by Petr Cech, when the Frenchman probably should have put more power and conviction in the effort.

That is where Arsenal’s disastrous effort started to unravel. Off the counter, Samuel Etoó curled in the opening goal with his left foot. 2 minutes later, it was 2-0. Andre Schurrle scored Chelsea’s second as he curled one in between Koscielny’s legs. Arsenal then gifted Chelsea a penalty when Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain blatantly pushed the ball away with his hands. It was a stupid thing to do. Arsenal got a red card, albeit a wrong one as the referee Andre Mariner sent Kieran Gibbs off, in a moment of mistaken identity.

Belgian international Eden Hazard made no mistake from the spot. There was just no coming back from this. 2-0 down in 17 minutes against a star studded Chelsea side, when you are down to 10 men. Arsenal held on for a while, before Chelsea went into the break with a 4-0 lead, as Oscar scored from a ball by Torres on the right. There were 10 minutes of solidity. That is when Arsenal went into the break.

After the restart, it was a case of Chelsea looking for more goals to boost their goal difference. They did get their 5th in the 66th minute when Oscar scored and substitute Mohamed Sala completed the route beating the offside trap by what was it, miles?

On the sunny side, here’s  positives from the game.

1) At least we didn’t concede 8

Yes, the mauling at Old Trafford is and will always be the worst defeat I have tasted as a fan in living memory. Sides concede 6 goals almost every week, but to concede 8 is like debauchery of the highest order. Watching a Samuel Etoó or a Oscar celebrating a goal is bad, but at least it is better than watching Ashley Young scoring two screamers. That’s the lowest of the ebbs you can drop to watching football.

2) Arsenal don’t need a 3rd choice goalkeeper

Hey, that was a good save by Oxlade-Chamberlain. Yeah, it was stupidity at its peak, and yes, it was batshit crazy. You know what, it was great too. I would have been proud of that save, and I couldn’t be third choice goalie for the worst Sunday League pub team. I think David Seaman would probably be proud too. I can sense a wry smile going on right now on the face of Roy Hodgson.

3) Referee was more embarrassed than Arsenal

Yeah, it’s true. Before you go like “Dude, we got thrashed 6-0!”. Well, go tell that to the referee who can’t distinguish players on the pitch. All this FIFA smosh about quality refereeing, this dude needs some homework. And oh, a snap test on a slot machine, with revolving faces of Walcott, Chamberlain, Gibbs, changing in quick succession, so he can tell the difference. While he is about it, tie him onto a chair, with blades that gore into his skin every time he makes a mistake. Release him only when he has got 100 correct guesses in a row!

4) Hey, Arsene, this could have been the FA Cup Final or something!

Yeah, as a fan who is subject to seeing his team getting kicked about a park like a bunch of one-legged, eye-patched, hands-tied pirates playing football, you somehow try to see the positive side, even though you are stranded in a one-sided dead end of a tunnel with a train hurtling at top speed towards you. This was a momentous occasion for Arsene, but what if this was a Cup Final or something? Now, that would be utterly humiliating and furious Arsenal fans would probably be bulldozing his house to the ground by now. At least, he has a Cup Final to look forward to, while that old cunt Mourinho is probably banging his head onto a burning brick wall till he dies, or better, creating a bump so big, that he ain’t able to sit comfortably in that little dugout at Stamford Bridge without causing John Terry to panic and slip, as he faces a trophyless season.

5) We had a shot on target!

Yeah, it was a beautiful move, as Cazorla beautifully played in Giroud, who galloped, oh, so handsomely between two bewildered defenders, before unleashing a thunderous shot with his wonderfully constructed legs. It ended up in the hands of that plastic head from the Czech Republic, but you can’t blame for a want of trying!

6) Podolski gets some much needed rest!

The German’s been playing non stop for a while now. This was a good match to rest him. He didn’t get the ball once for as far as I remember. A good stroll for our German in the park.

Bonus Positive – First blog post in 48 days. Yeah, and more will be coming soon. Brace yourselves!

Jai Arsenal 🙂


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Go ahead you lazy bum, that’s all I ask of you!

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Posted by on May 9, 2014 in 2013-2014, Match Reviews, No Offence!


How It Could All End up this season? (Alternate Version)

Yes, the alternate version of my predictions are here. I had earlier predicted Manchester City to win the league, pipping their neighboring rivals Manchester United by 2 points. Tottenham finally managed to finish above Arsenal, for once, in their glorious history. Arsenal managed to ward off Chelsea and Liverpool to secure 4th place.

Enough of that serious jibber-jabber now. Let’s see how the alternate version of my predictions pan out. Instead of week-by-week predictions, I present some crazy scenarios that will surely make you smile, if not roll on the floor and laugh!

20) Wigan are Champions.

Yes, have a look at the Premier League table. Wigan win their remaining 14 games, will obtain 42 points, which will make their grand total 58. Wigan Athletic are crowned champions of England. Roberto Martinez is now Sir Roberto Martinez. In a year’s time, he leads Wigan to a crushing victory over Barcelona in the Champions League Final 2013.

19) It’s raining chickens.

We have all read about raining frogs and fishes. The town of Blackburn is now witness to a very bizarre form downpour. The Venky’s are drained out and now chickens fall from the skies. Steve Kean is still manager of Blackburn, and the fans, unpreturbed, continue their protests.

18) Owen Coyle turns God.

Bolton are relegated after Owen Coyle reveals he is God. And, God not only to Bolton fans. He goes about his task of saving the world. And Bolton, despite the best efforts of star striker David N’Gog are relegated.

17) Wolves are ‘Frimponged’.

Emmanuel Frimpong is actually on a mission. A mission to ‘Frimpong’ every other player in every other team in the league. Starting off with Wolves. After Rafael van der Vaart felt the full force of ‘Dench’, Kevin Doyle better watch out. Stephen Hunt, though, is least concerned after his version of the Frimpong, nearly ended the career of Petr Cech.

16) QPR take up English classes.

Yes. How the hell can a club from the country where English originated screw up their own language? The English alphabet clearly says P-Q-R. What the hell is QPR supposed to mean. No wonder Anton Ferdinand heard gibberish off John Terry’s mouth, and interpreted it to be racism. Tch Tch! What’s more, they will be taught by Harry Redknapp, who recently admitted he is bad at writing and reading! Sad days for England, who just can’t seem to get hold of a proper English manager.

That's my English teacher! 😀

15) East meets West.

West Brom agree in principle with East Bengal for a player exchange. While East Bengal go on to win the I-League, West Brom are left ruing their decision, as they are relegated by a record goal difference of -100. Roy Hodgson goes into hiding in the icy waters of Finland.

14) Fulham conquer London.

Fulham, yes, Fulham, that crappy club, by the river, takes over the city of London, thanks to Harrod’s superstore. First, they kick West Ham/Tottenham/Leyton Orient or whoever it is from the Olympic stadium, and play their home matches there. Fulham are now the bosses of the FA, and come to a conclusion that their away games should be played at Wembley.

13) The akward moment when Heskey joins Barcelona.

It’s true. Barcelona finally end their search of finding an absolute world class striker. A path which has seen them pursue the likes of Aguero, Forlan, van Persie, Torres (gulp!) ends with the bulky England forward Emile Heskey. Villa’s fortunes take a hit, only for a striker worse than Redknapp’s wife (Darren Bent) to rescue them.


12) Stoke join the Rugby Union.

After much soul-searching and conscience-digging , Tony Pulis finally reveals Stoke City FC are actually a professional rugby side, in disguise. Further inquiries confirm the fact, and Stoke City now ply their trade in the Aviva Rugby Premiership. Ryan Shawcross is infact from the Maori tribe in New Zealand, and has a ancestral history of rugby.

When they weren't impostors..Stoke Rugby Club

11) Nikica Jalevic is better than Lionel Messi.

If Lionel Messi is great, Nikica Jalevic is greater. Period. He beats Dixie Dean’s (a fomer Everton player) long standing record of 60 goals in a season. And what’s more he does it in half a campaign. Pele is removed from the list of FIFA’s 100 greatest players. Damn, he’s so good, they even remove Maradona, so Jalevic is named twice. Here’s to Everton’s priciest signing!

10) Swansea are second best.

Despite Wigan winning the league, Swansea attract lot of eyes and fans, as they finish second. Brendan Rodgers’ faith in his side’s passing ability sees them complete more passes than Barcelona can muster over in the La Liga. Xavi and Iniesta are no more Europe’s star midfielders. It is Joe Allen and Leon Britton. Infact, they are so good, there is a change in names. Swansea is now Swansealona and Barcelona is now Barsea.

9) Norwich join the Cooking Union.

Delia Smith’s sinister master plan is finally bought to light. Norwich City’s players are actually chefs. She took over the club to find herself chefs. Infact, they are so pathetic at cooking, they were the reason Tottenham failed to qualify for the UCL in 2006.

8) Sunderland buy everything Manchester United.

Sunderland become a burial ground for everything remotely Manchester United. Already stuck with mediocrity named O’Shea, Richardson, Bardsley and Brown, soon they will be joined by Rooney, Hernandez, Berbatov, Wellbeck and the lot. O’Neill now vies with Owen Coyle to take God’s throne.

7) ‘Kop Cat’ replaces Carroll.

Kenny Dalglish is frustrated by Andy Carroll and signs the cat that ran past more players than Stewart Downing has all season. The cat repays the manager’s faith by scoring a goal every time he plays. Andy Carroll, meanwhile, joins Bromley, where he will finish his career, missing sitters in the Conference South. Meanwhile, Suarez persuades ‘Kop Cat’ to join him in the Ku Klux Klan, and Liverpool’s new star is banned for 8 games, for racially abusing Barcelona’s own new signing ‘Catman’. (You can see how cleverly I have incorporated Catalan here). 😛

6) Arsene Wenger spends money.

The unthinkable happens. After years of exchanging peanuts for players, Wenger finally digs all the money he has been hiding under his bed and instead exchanges them with hospitals around the world to sign the most ‘technically sound’, ‘brings quality to the team’, ‘special talent’ kinda players to the club. Arsenal reign the world of football, along with Wigan, ofcourse.

5) Newcastle sign all the Demba’s of the world.

Alan Pardew soon realises the reason of Newcastle’s success so far. It is ‘cos of Demba Ba. And, now, Papis Demba Cisse. There is a mass exodus at the club, and anyone who’s name is not Demba, is shown the door. Newcastle sign everyone Senegalese and christened ‘Demba’. Infact, after the cats, the ‘Demba’s’ will be taking over the planet.

4) David Luiz turns out to be a voodoo expert.

Remember, Fernando Torres and David Luiz before the Manchester United game. Yeah, reports claim the Brazilian is a voodoo expert. He has already gotten John Terry under his grasp. No wonder his mouth and his pe*** just can’t stop. Petr Cech, meanwhile is another victim, as this picture of his suffering indicates!

3) Cunty Spuds suffer food poisoning.

It is 2006 all over again, as Spu*s players are secretly food poisoned ahead of their last game of the season. Their reserve team is sent out, and they end up losing. This leads to Hotshits finally accepting they are crap, and they deserve nothing more than to stop existing as a football club. Good Riddance!

2) Ferguson is assassinated by Chris Foy.

Chris Foy murders the most decorated manager in English football. Despite an incredible performance by Chris Foy in the Manchester City-Manchester United FA Cup game, Ferguson kept faith in Howard Webb in the Chelsea match. Webb did put in a brilliant performance, but that was no reason to drop Foy, who, earlier in the season was the target of Spurs fans after a marvelous guest performance for Stoke. Manchester United are now managerless. Malcolm Glazer takes over, and employs American Football tactics over the predominantly ‘soccer’ team. Manchester United lose their remaining games, and despite the best efforts of star Howard Webb, manage to get several red cards in every game. Ryan Giggs signs a contract that will keep him at the club till 2032. (Expected to be the year of his death.)

1) Manchester City go bankrupt.

Manchester City go bankrupt after hijacked Etihad planes crash into the City of Manchester Stadium, not only completely shutting down the airline, but also the club. The club’s owners seek asylum in the deserts of Arabia. Investigations lead the coordinator of this attack to be none other than Carlos Tevez. His statue is put up outside Old Trafford, and those of Dennis Law, George Best and Bobby Charlton are felled. As for the City players, they can be seen begging on the streets of Manchester, as no other club was willing to pay their exorbitant wages. Samir Nasri, though still has his bench.

Aye!That's Ca$hri's!


Posted by on February 11, 2012 in No Offence!


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